Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Not an easy task
"As is our company custom, I challenge you for the presidency of our company!" Those were the first words out of mark's mouth as he exits the elevator on the top floor of Jacob and Son's gun company. "Fine then, I hope you know what you are getting into" remarked Jacobson, who had fought his father for the presidency of the company and won many years ago. Spinning around Jacobson reaches for his knife and flings the object at Mark, sidestepping the hurled piece of metal mark draws his own revolver and lifts the weapon as Jacobson dives over to the painting of his father, hurling it down and flinging open the weapons locker behind it grabbing the first thing he can get he rolls away as bullets pepper the walls behind him, remarking "this was is a dumb way of deciding company president...". Looking down at his hand Jacobson finds he is holding a tomahawk, "not the weapon I was hoping for...", Jacobson had since taken refuge behind a pillar towards the back wall of the room and cries out, "You wanna give up yet?" He then takes an axe hitting the wall behind him as a no. And so the fight continues, random bits of metal being hurled back and forth, and retorts thrown including the memorable, "ha! You throw like a girl" eventually all the weapons are out of ammo, and all sharp peices of metal stuck in various walls the men get to fist fighting. Wresting each other down to the ground they end up over by the windows, Jacobson then screams," If I cant be president neither can you!" and tackles Mark tossing both of them out the side window and down fourty stories, eyewitness reports state that it appears mark was President for about .025 of a second before hitting the ground too.
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I really like it, it feels like a story which is good but it doesn't feel like a difficult dialogue. The two characters are having a difficult time, yes but that is because they are fighting each other. You should show the difficulty more through their words.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you included a lot of imagery to go along with the dialogue. It really helped to make the scene more exciting. I think the piece would be more effective if you provided a little more background information about why Mark and Jacobson both wanted to be president so desperately. If there was a reason for why both men wanted to become president so desperately, then members of your audience would have a higher chance of connecting with one of the characters and thus be more likely to remember it.
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